I had a friend recently say to me (I think he was quoting another person):

The best way to kill the family is to focus on the family.

In one sense that’s a shot at Dr. James Dobson and his ministry “Focus on the Family”. I know little about his ministry. I know it’s huge. I know it’s geared at family life in some way or another. My mom once gave me a book by him. I read it and wished I could get back the hour of my life I lost reading it. I know nothing of the man personally, but that particular book wasn’t much better than the pop psychology you get from Joel Osteen or Oprah Winfrey (although I seem to recall it did mention Jesus which is more than can be said for the other two).

My friend’s point was in reaction to a much heralded phrase in the church today:

I’m not going to sacrifice my family on the altar of the church.

I first heard that in a sermon roughly six or seven years ago. I loved it. I come from a long line of broken homes. My family tree looks like something my two year old would etch-a-sketch. My wife grew up with her Hungarian mother and grandmother who, sweet as they were/are, really need their own category of dysfunction. We have to learn everything for the first time each step of the way. Nothing comes “natural”. How to express affection to her, how to play with kids, how to be patient, how to listen, how to lead, how to teach the Bible to children…those were are all blanks to us. Nothing is learned, at least nothing we want to repeat. So a statement like the one above really resonated with me. I’m determined to remain faithful to my bride. I’m determined to point my kids to Yahweh in all things. I’m convinced that my family is a witness which goes out to everyone before I ever open my mouth in preaching, counseling, or teaching. All those convictions fueled a wholehearted acceptance of the aforementioned statement.

And that was the problem.

I was reacting and reasoning out of my experience. I have seen pastors who did “sacrifice their family on the altar of the church”. Their families did not take a back seat to ministry, they weren’t even in the car. Their children’s actions would scream out how much they wanted dad’s attention, and everyone could see it but the pastor. Their wives became terse, harsh, an image of their marital relationship. I wanted to do anything to avoid ending up that way, anything to avoid repeating what’s been going on in my family for generations.

So I’ve been neglecting Jesus.

I have become so wrapped up in keeping my family off “the altar of the church” that I’ve become focused on my family - at the expense of focusing on the gospel and my Lord. I had set a rule about how many nights per week I would be away from the family. I drew hard boundaries around certain portions of the week, refusing to consider ANY ministry which would infringe upon that time. I spent more energy building walls around family time than I did praying for my family and leading them towards Christ.

So I’m rebooting, changing direction, repenting:

I believe each person exists to glorify Yahweh and to enjoy him forever. My family, in once sense, is a gathering of individuals whose common purpose is to glorify Yahweh and to enjoy him forever. The question is not, “how will this affect my family?”. No, most definitely not. The question is:

How can my family best glorify Jesus?

Sometimes my family will best glorify Jesus by being demonstrably different than the frantic, self-absorbed families which typify Ft. Bend County. Sometimes my family will best glorify Jesus by me saying no to ministry requests. But sometimes my family will best glorify Jesus when dad and mom prayerfully agree that we must die to our own perceptions of family life, endure hardship, and go outside the family-camp to bring gospel ministry to others.

So I’m reckoning with Jesus, and reasoning based on the Bible, not my experience.

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me
and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

And everyone who has left houses
or brothers or sisters
or father or mother
or children
or lands
for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life.
But many who are first will be last, and the last first.

- Jesus the Messiah

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 pm and is filed under theology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.